What It's Like to be Bullied: My Story

Today I experienced something rather unsettling that really made me think. It kind of put me in a somewhat sad, but retrospective, thoughtful and forgiving place. I was walking home from class when I saw a girl. A girl who looked exactly like someone from my past I'd rather forget. The reaction was physical and instantaneous- my heart jumped into my throat, my stomach dropped and I immediately dropped my gaze and sped up. Mere seconds later, relief gently returned my organs to their appropriate locations and I let my breath go. I hadn't even realized I was holding it.

For a moment, I was confused at my reaction. And I'm sure you are too. Let me explain. This girl looked just like a tormentor of mine from High School. A bully who harassed me in subtle ways that slowly tore my confidence and feeling of well being apart. It's still somewhat difficult for me to discuss, because it was so damaging at the time. The summer before my Freshman year of high school, I was a happy, excitable, somewhat bossy and somewhat obnoxious kid- just like a lot of them are. (C'mon, the Freshman always irritated you in high school, right?) I was 13 when I started- younger than most kids and a little bit more naive. I had a best friend. I considered her my closest confidante and we did everything together. I couldn't have imagined it any other way. Her name was *Sarah.

And then *Lauren moved in down the street. Lauren was a girl our age, and Sarah and I were delighted to meet her and be friends with her. But something puzzling happened somewhere along the line. I got a call from Sarah's mother one morning, where she reprimanded me for being too bossy, mean and overbearing on my friendship with Sarah. The passive-aggressive call disturbed me and made me uncomfortable more than an outright angry confrontation might have. I could deal with yelling, as long as it was straight up. This was odd and I went to my mother in confusion, wondering why Sarah hadn't told me herself. Wondering why an adult I had trusted and liked and confided in was suddenly telling me I was a bad friend to her daughter.

Things went downhill from there. Sarah and her mother ended up meeting Lauren separately from me, and from the looks of things, Sarah's mother encouraged her to be friends with Lauren and not me. I was reserved and quiet now around Sarah's mother, scared of another outburst and wondering if maybe Sarah was complaining about me to her mother. It turns out she had been, but Sarah's mom had also been encouraging Sarah to be more like me, and Sarah of course got sick of it. I don't blame her on that. No one wants her mother to constantly be comparing her to others. She just wants her mom to like her for who she is.

Anyway, Sarah got tired of it and started telling her mom the bad things about me (there are plenty, believe me!). They convinced Lauren of what they were slowly convincing themselves of, and Lauren turned against me before I'd even really known her. Suddenly, they were ignoring me on the walk home from the bus, giggling and chatting far ahead of me. Suddenly, other mom's in the neighborhood were cool and reserved toward me and suddenly I wasn't even being asked to babysit anymore. Sarah and Lauren were. A neighbor down the street a year younger than me who had lived there long before Sarah and Lauren and had been friends with me for just as long, suddenly didn't want much to do with me. Suddenly her mom was treating my family like we were beneath her.

And then the e-mails came. They were horrible, horrible e-mails and the first one I got was a joint one from Sarah and Lauren. I remember sitting in my family's computer room, opening it up and simply bursting into tears. It was so horrible and painful to read that it still stings now. It came from nowhere and I was absolutely torn up about it. My sweet, adorable five year old brother had been in the room, and utterly frightened by my tears, ran to my mother, telling her "Mommy! Shanna's sad!" Immediately worried, my mother came tearing into the room, and I remember shamefully showing her the cyber attack. Somehow, it seemed like my fault. Somehow she had raised a daughter who deserved these awful words, and I was so ashamed that I was her daughter. She didn't deserve the horrible loser and nasty person those e-mails told me I was.

Through the support of my mother, I resisted the urge to retaliate and was instead calm and even when responding to those e-mails. My mother's help in writing an educated, polite, simple response was invaluable and confused Sarah and Lauren, who seemed to have convinced themselves into believing I was an uneducated, bumbling fool. However, the attacks didn't stop. Now they came when I was at school instead, when my mother wasn't there to help me. They were just as awful, and they would arrive at the end of each school day when we were allowed to check our e-mails in computer class. They would leave me fighting desperately to hold back tears in front of my peers, and I remember one day arriving in a math tutoring session after school and breaking down sobbing, pouring out the harassment and bullying to a total stranger. That stranger ended up being a good friend of mine, but I wish we hadn't had to meet while I was in the midst of such emotional pain.

I struggled to understand the source of these attacks, and I struggled against the lies and rumours that were being spread about me in our neighborhood. Somehow my school friends stuck by me, and I thank them for that. It was only later that I learned that Lauren had given some of them an ultimatum "choose me, or Shanna". Since I had not, they somehow decided to stick by me. Even Lauren's younger sisters- girls I didn't even know- were telling people things about me that just weren't true. Within the space of a few exhausting, confusing weeks, I'd lost my best friend, several of my friends and my reputation, and for what, I simply never knew. I attempted to meet up with both girls at the same time to mediate and end these attacks, but Lauren declined and continued on.

Finally, with e-mails telling me I was friendless, and that Sarah and Lauren were going to have so much fun as friends without me, and that I should never dare to contact them again, I went to my school administrators, begging for help. I was ashamed to show them the e-mails, feeling like they, too would believe what had been said about me. However, they were understanding, kind and respected my wishes not to confront these girls. I wanted nothing more to do with them-- I didn't think I could stand that. They helped me block the girls e-mail addresses on my school e-mail, which had been used to facilitate the attacks. They wanted no contact-- fine. I was going to let this go as best as possible.

From then on, I avoided these two girls and recuperated. I was in a sort of lost, in-between place, struggling to figure out who my friends were and how to avoid another incident like this. I got quiet. Really quiet. I no longer felt comfortable speaking up in class. I no longer was eager to reach out so openly to others. I was so afraid of this happening again- I didn't think I was strong enough for that. I felt like they had stolen my confidence, openness and trust. They had stolen my strength of character and made me feel like I was nothing. They had taken my happiness.

Over the years, I realized they had provided a gateway for all those horrible things by being the classic mean, insecure girl. But I had allowed myself to live in fear, and hurt and hide from them. I realized I was still the strong, brave girl I'd always been and that I was able to weather every storm that came my way- even particularly violent ones such as this. I also learned about the power of forgiveness. We've all been there. We've all said or done something hurtful in life, and while this does not excuse us from our negative actions, we need to forgive, and at the same time, be cognizant about how we treat others, because sometimes our hurts take a very long time to heal, and it's the same for those around us.

I've learned that my family will always be there for me and love and support me, and I am so very grateful for my mother's help in that hard time, and for what my older brother did for me. He knew I was hurting, and instead of walking with his friends home from the bus stop, he walked home with me, and he took me an alternate route, so I didn't have to walk alone behind my tormentors. My experiences with being bullied were not fun, and I would never, ever wish it on anyone else or want to go through it again, but they were important in my growth as a person. I recognized patterns later on in my life that were turning me into an aggressor and I moved to stop them. I was more compassionate, less judgmental. I had been humbled because I had been a victim. That mindset of "it can't happen to me" had changed into "it did happen to me" and I realized I can't let other people stop me from what I want to do, and I can't let what others do leave me with negative emotions that weigh me down. Forgive, but don't forget. Let it go, but keep the lessons. Move on, but let those hard months stand as a testament of your strength and bravery.

For all those out there who are being bullied, get help. Go to your parents, go to administrators, come to me if need be. Do not let yourself live a sub-human existence. You are so precious and the things you will do will be great. Don't let small people reduce your great worth. For those who have been bullied and are still hurting- it's okay. I still hurt too. The healing process can take a long time, and rushing through it can leave issues that will resurface later to hurt you- I still struggle in social settings and worry so much about how others perceive me because I'm worried they'll be mean. I'm terrified to give anyone a reason to dislike me. But you cannot dwell-- you must move on, and eventually, in your time, you must learn to forgive. It helps to just say it over and over; you will grow to believe it and accept it. I am trying it too.

I am doing my best to forgive Sarah, her mother and Lauren, and slowly, that particular hurt is starting to feel better.

*Names were changed.